Minimalistic At Best...

Being the adventures of a young man whose principal interests are creativity, ultra-violence and Mario

7.26.2004

"Jealousy Type A"

Everything I try just makes it worse. On me, that is. It even haunts my dreams. I don't want it to. I don't want it to effect me. I had a goddamn dream about it last night, without being provoked a single bit. I just want to not think about it, but my subconscious is definitely not helping. What’s worse is that I'm not even sure what I'm upset about, but the past leads me to believe its precisely what I suspect. It's like a creeping fear, something I know, but don't want to find out. And once again,

My brain isn't helping.

I don't even care anymore. Or at least I thought I didn't. Some part of me does, and every action on their behalf effects that one part of me very heavily. I think I'm a good person, but obviously not good enough for some things. Those things are things I need to forget about, not the thing itself, but the emotions surrounding it. Again, I thought I had, I really did. But the dreams and mood swings that come unprovoked are proof that I haven't.

One day I'll be perfect, and everyone will regret the things they put me through. Or one day I'll be dead, and it goes the same for them. Whichever road I choose, they'll regret it. Yes they will.

As for my birthday (July 23) it was pretty much a letdown. I'm not going to get into it, but I didn't expect much more than what happened, which could be the explanation for my opinion. Whatever, it just proves my "just another day" theory. Getting my hopes up about a birthday is stupid. From now on, it’s just another day.

I'm getting ready to move. I'm packing, and packing, and it seems like I'm just working with no result here.

At any rate, right now, I'm not doing too well on the inside.

What else is new?

7.08.2004

"Except when I care Pt.2"

Well that didn't last long. Now I'm fucking furious.

7.07.2004

"Except when I care"

So the last couple of days have been good and bad. I've been hanging out with Mike a lot, and that's a lot of fun. He's become one of the best friends I have. I'm gonna miss him when I move. Anyway, we've been doing random things like going to stores, talking about music, playing video games, etc. Never a dull moment, really. It's all been fun.

Everything seems to be going okay for once, let's not fuck it up, okay?

So me and Roxanne are doing great. I've been calling her every other night or so and we've just been talking. Its good to have her back as a friend, I can't express that enough. She's a big part of my life, and, well, she's just great. I love her lots.

Two nights ago I noticed a massive defect with my 23-inch LCD screen, and I nearly cried. I had just (the day previous) discussed with my dad how it was all I had, as far as possessions go, that meant the world to me. And there it was, fucked up. I had a panic attack. But luckily I composed myself, and resolved the situation. I went to the Apple store with Mike and my Dad today to send it out for repairs. There's a big hunk of SOMETHING lodged in one of the layers of the LCD, so its probably irreparable. Replacements get no complaints from me. So for about a week, my desk looks very funny with this small monitor in it's bigger siblings place. I can deal.

So other than that, I'm actually doing good! It feels great to not have any bad thoughts plaguing my mind. It feels great...I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow, and I'm probably either going to dye it black or red. I can't decide. I'll have to ask Mike again just to be sure.

And that's about it.

7.05.2004

"Drowning in air"

I don't even have any words that could possibly describe the low point I'm at right now.
Maybe I will later.

7.01.2004

"You're pretty when you cry"

It's funny when you're definition of "emo" music consists of Cat Stevens, The Delfonics, VAST and the Rolling Stones. Roxanne and I are communicating...which is good. It's hard to not act like an asshole, but I'm trying.

Trying counts, right?

Going to Jason's to play video games with him and Mike. That'll be fun.

"Falling down would be welcome."

So I need to work on my sleep schedule. It's pretty fucked up. I'm usually going to bed around 5 and 6am. Today, I woke up at 4pm...that's not good. I missed IMs from Mike and Roxanne. And I probably could've used a conversation with both of them. Other than that, today was a waste. Waking up that late in the day ruins a lot. I didn't get some of the things done that I wanted to...but I did do my laundry, which was important. I also got a lot of Spider-Man 2 in...which is a simply amazing and impressive game.

Tonight I had a really good time with Jason playing Xbox. First we played Spider-Man 2 for a couple of hours, and then we had a great time playing the ridiculously buggy Driv3r...it was a blast. Tonight was a perfect example on why living together will prove fun.

I tried emailing Roxanne, but it bounced back. I hope I can find a way for her to read that letter sooner or later. I'm looking forward to seeing Mike (and her...a little) this weekend, too. Sunday and Monday off!