Minimalistic At Best...

Being the adventures of a young man whose principal interests are creativity, ultra-violence and Mario

6.27.2004

"And then his insides were outside."

So I did finish those thank you cards, finally. After work I went to go see Fahrenheit 9/11 with Jason, Amanda, and Roxanne. It was a very good movie, probably one of my favorite Moore flicks. Very informative, and as usual, enlightening. I think it's just the thing that needed to be made in order for the ignorant public to fully understand the situation in America. Some scenes were very hard to swallow, there were literally tears flowing all around the theatre. This happened especially during scenes with a mother whose son had died. It was very emotional.

And work wasn't that exciting.

On a darker note, I just don't know what to think about Roxanne anymore. It just...pains me every time I'm around her. I feel so horrible. It's kind of hard to explain the feelings/situation/etc. I'm going to suspend the thought that no one whose reading this has any idea about our past, and I'll keep writing. I think It'll be best for me to write this as a letter, to her. I may even give it to her to read;

///

Hello,

Well. It's obvious. The way we treat each other. It's hostility that I could live without, to be honest. Every time I see you, I just don't know what to do/say/think/act/feel. It's hard. And I don't know if it’s the same for you, but I sure hope it isn’t. Our past is rocky, and I know there’s nothing I can do to change the past, not that I'd want to. I just don't understand what you're feeling, and it's hard, it truly is. You know how I felt, and I thought I knew how you felt (twice now). I remember Amanda telling me you felt overwhelmed, pressured.

That was most obviously my fault, if you did in fact feel that way. It was never my intention to make you feel that way...I didn't even know I was capable of capturing someone like you. I didn't even know it was capable for someone like you to know I existed. But such is life. As I could've predicted, it went wrong. It always does. Now I know that negative attitude is something you hate, but its just so hard to feel any other way after what seems to be a lesson I've learned time after time; "You can't be happy, you won't be happy." I wouldn't want you to ever think that I wanted to feel that way...god no. I'm just a very confused person. And I guess I could understand how I could've pressured you in some way...maybe the first time...but the feelings felt way more mutual the second time around.

I need to know some things. I need to know what you’re thinking. It seems like you deny yourself things that you want to happen. It seems you're almost as guilty as me there…in a certain way. Not to say you were happy, it just seemed that way, that’s all. I know I have no real right to say anything, which is why I haven't. It just felt like that night...we were both happy. Not just me, or just you. But us. Maybe I'm crazy.

I never wanted to label anything. I just wanted to be content. More so, I wanted you to be content. I don't avoid happiness; I just don't find it too often. You seem quite the opposite...to me anyway.

Every time I see you I can't get you out of my head. You're like a cold I want to catch. And that's not good...thinking of you hurts. But I don't want it to. I wish I just knew how you feel...how you felt. I just wish you'd come clean and tell me everything you've ever thought about me...I'd really appreciate it. You don't owe it to me, but I'd appreciate it nonetheless. Please…just tell me how your feel, for once, how you really feel.

The thing I want to have the most is complete honesty and friendliness between us. I love you too much to hurt when you're near me. It's obvious, isn't it? There’s definite animosity/awkwardness/bitterness between us, and I hate it. I’m so confused.

Help me…

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