Minimalistic At Best...

Being the adventures of a young man whose principal interests are creativity, ultra-violence and Mario

6.30.2004

"Everything I say..."

*Edit: I've since talked to Mike, and he cleared some things up for me. I've tried sending Roxanne an email, but it bounced...back to Spider-Man on Xbox!

6.29.2004

"Living under a bridge"

So I'm spending too much money. I've recently come to this conclusion, and it's a hard situation. I have a couple of different sides of my argument, so I'll write them out.

1. I'm spending too much money (duh). I'm going to college, and I need all the money I can save for that. No more spending.

2. I only have a couple of months before I'm permanently poor, so enjoy yourself now. Spend what you can until you have to move and you're forced to spend nothing.

So those are the two main points. Unfortunately, both make perfect sense. But for the most part, #1 is the better point to follow. Basically, all money I spend comes from a bank account with money in it that is my fathers. I'm paying him back, but it's gotten pretty insane. I owe him a shitload of money. And if I keep spending, I won't ever be able to pay him in full. But I plan on paying him back in full. So I have to stop spending. I've spent enough so far (over the summer) so any other things I severely want, I can ask as birthday (July 23rd!) presents.

Sounds good? Good. Now all I have to do is limit myself. Pay him back. I'm probably gonna get a large paycheck this Friday. I'll give him half. No matter what it is.
What sucks more is that my mom wants me to give her a part of each paycheck toward college. But I can't afford that. I need to pay Dad, and pay for gas.

And maybe one or two small things here and there?...NO!

*Edit* I may have to pick up Spider-Man 2 tomorrow...I know I'm bad...but...it's a birthday present to me? Aw, we'll see.

6.28.2004

"When all else fails..."

So, I've just been taking it easy lately. Hanging out with Jason and Mike. Amanda and Roxanne have been there too. Last night was weird...For the most part it was enjoyable, but I've just come to believe I bring the worst out in people. I mean, it seems whenever I'm around, Amanda, Roxanne, and Mike get into lousy moods and hate eachother...and me. I don't know what to make of it. But theres one thing I feel really bad about that happened last night. We (all mentioned above) went to Dunkin Donuts, and I was taking turns fast to tease the girls. Little did I know their coffee was open, and it spilled on them. By the time I realized what was going on, I'd made it to my house, and they were all pissed at me...and I was confused. Then they yelled about the coffee. Oops. So now this mood hung in the air, of semi-madness on my part. Like I was crazy and unstable, and I had the feeling that they thought I was driving fast because of Roxanne, and that just made me feel too ackward. In reality, I was driving like that to tease the girls, and have fun. But once again, I seemed like an asshole.

This happens way too often.

So now I don't even know what they think of me. But I can't go on caring too much. I've done the "abandon your feelings towards others and become a cold-hearted asshole" thing before, and it's easy. But I like Roxanne, I do. And I like Amanda too. And I want them to think about me in a good way, not a bad way. But it seems like every time I'm in the same room as them, every single thing I say offends them. And I just don't know what to do anymore. There's obvious hostility between me and Roxanne, and I hate it. But I don't want it to affect everyone. That isn't fair. But overall, life is the same. It dosen't suck...it's just hard. I'm struggling. But Nintendo is keeping me stable.

Thanks, Nintendo! ::Thumbs Up::

6.27.2004

"And then his insides were outside."

So I did finish those thank you cards, finally. After work I went to go see Fahrenheit 9/11 with Jason, Amanda, and Roxanne. It was a very good movie, probably one of my favorite Moore flicks. Very informative, and as usual, enlightening. I think it's just the thing that needed to be made in order for the ignorant public to fully understand the situation in America. Some scenes were very hard to swallow, there were literally tears flowing all around the theatre. This happened especially during scenes with a mother whose son had died. It was very emotional.

And work wasn't that exciting.

On a darker note, I just don't know what to think about Roxanne anymore. It just...pains me every time I'm around her. I feel so horrible. It's kind of hard to explain the feelings/situation/etc. I'm going to suspend the thought that no one whose reading this has any idea about our past, and I'll keep writing. I think It'll be best for me to write this as a letter, to her. I may even give it to her to read;

///

Hello,

Well. It's obvious. The way we treat each other. It's hostility that I could live without, to be honest. Every time I see you, I just don't know what to do/say/think/act/feel. It's hard. And I don't know if it’s the same for you, but I sure hope it isn’t. Our past is rocky, and I know there’s nothing I can do to change the past, not that I'd want to. I just don't understand what you're feeling, and it's hard, it truly is. You know how I felt, and I thought I knew how you felt (twice now). I remember Amanda telling me you felt overwhelmed, pressured.

That was most obviously my fault, if you did in fact feel that way. It was never my intention to make you feel that way...I didn't even know I was capable of capturing someone like you. I didn't even know it was capable for someone like you to know I existed. But such is life. As I could've predicted, it went wrong. It always does. Now I know that negative attitude is something you hate, but its just so hard to feel any other way after what seems to be a lesson I've learned time after time; "You can't be happy, you won't be happy." I wouldn't want you to ever think that I wanted to feel that way...god no. I'm just a very confused person. And I guess I could understand how I could've pressured you in some way...maybe the first time...but the feelings felt way more mutual the second time around.

I need to know some things. I need to know what you’re thinking. It seems like you deny yourself things that you want to happen. It seems you're almost as guilty as me there…in a certain way. Not to say you were happy, it just seemed that way, that’s all. I know I have no real right to say anything, which is why I haven't. It just felt like that night...we were both happy. Not just me, or just you. But us. Maybe I'm crazy.

I never wanted to label anything. I just wanted to be content. More so, I wanted you to be content. I don't avoid happiness; I just don't find it too often. You seem quite the opposite...to me anyway.

Every time I see you I can't get you out of my head. You're like a cold I want to catch. And that's not good...thinking of you hurts. But I don't want it to. I wish I just knew how you feel...how you felt. I just wish you'd come clean and tell me everything you've ever thought about me...I'd really appreciate it. You don't owe it to me, but I'd appreciate it nonetheless. Please…just tell me how your feel, for once, how you really feel.

The thing I want to have the most is complete honesty and friendliness between us. I love you too much to hurt when you're near me. It's obvious, isn't it? There’s definite animosity/awkwardness/bitterness between us, and I hate it. I’m so confused.

Help me…

6.26.2004

"It's called procrastination..."

God, I'm so bad at this stuff. My moms been bugging me to get these thank you cards (from Graduation) done for at least a month. I keep saying "I'll do them" but usually end up playing video games instead. It's just...between work and stuff I get lazy and don't feel like writing those things out. I think I'll do some now before I have to go to work (5pm). I think I remember Jason's parents yelling at him about the same thing. I wonder if he ever finished them?

Oh well. No more Mega Man for me today, strictly work until after 9:30! Farewell...

6.25.2004

"Randomly yours,"

I've decided to post some misc. pictures of stuff from
my collection.
It includes my DVDs and Games, my computer and game setup, and some other cool stuff.

I'm really excited about moving. Having my own place is going to be really fun, and it'll be great to live near all my friends again. I have a feeling I'll need them...badly. I'm going to try and transfer to an EB in Orlando, too. I'm getting the idea that Full Sail won't be as insanely hard as people make it out to be...and my reasoning is this: The majority of people who go to secondary schools, tech schools, etc know nothing of the trade they're studying, and wish to learn it. Thats where I'm different. I'm very educated in the classes I'm taking, so I'm refining my skills, not learning them. Although I expect a good challenge (and welcome it), I'm still confident it will be fun, and easy for me.

That and I need the money from working at EB...or I'll explode from poverty!

"So this is what creation looks like..."

I've migrated from LJ to the more sophisticated Blogger. I'd heard of this place mainly from techgeek friends of mine, and I decided to try it out for the hell of it. Chances are I won't post a LOT, but I will write things here that I don't want to in my LJ...